Because I am a fairly (ok...very) strong willed woman who wants to do better than just survive or just get by, there is one huge thing I have not understood through out the process of walking with some of those women. Why is it that women, just like the one in "Love The Way You Lie" , continue to go back into a relationship where she is consistently abused mentally, verbally and physically?
Eminem sings a verse in that song that says...
...Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball.
Next time I'm p*****d I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies...
Lies! He's telling her it's lies and his actions show her that it's lies but yet she keeps going back. I know people make mistakes, God's love is full of grace and mercy and people can change yet some of these women go back knowing the men have not changed.
Rhianna sings a part in the song that says...
...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie...
One of my friends has been going back and forth in a very unhealthy marriage that involves an affair, the husband not providing for his family, alcoholism and dealing with the drama of the pregnant girlfriend (from the affair) and even though she loves the Lord, has been through counseling and her and I meet on a regular basis she still wants to try and work it out. I asked her recently, "Why do you want to keep going back when there are no signs of change?" She said, "Because it wasn't suppose to end up like this and I want to do as much as I can to make it work because I made a commitment to God." This is where I lose the understanding. Not that I don't understand why she goes back or her honoring her commitment to God but I guess it's that I don't understand why she does not feel worthy enough and not feel she deserves better for herself? (which I've asked her but haven't gotten a clear answer yet) I'm all for doing everything, short of sin, to make a marriage work but the Bible says that if an affair happens you can say, "Adios." I believe if I was in that situation I would work on my forgiveness, which the Bible also says we must do, but I would do it from my new house with my new life because I want to live my life to it's full potential especially in my marriage, and abuse and/or affairs are not my idea of living to mine or God's full potential for my life. (Thank you Lord for my wonderful husband who loves You so much that you come first in his life and that I'm not in that situation)
I'm not writing this for any woman to feel condemnation for going back to an unhealthy or abusive relationship. I'm writing this because I want to understand why and I want other women to understand why. I was in a relationship, from age 17-21, that didn't start out with physical abuse but before the physical abuse started I took him back multiple times after he cheated. The day I was picked up by my head and thrown across the room by this guy the hard landing must have knocked some sense into me because God showed me my worth and that I deserved better and I left that relationship. I honestly I can't say that I remember why I went back all the times before except for the fact that I was young and had no godly examples in my life then. Thank God for his grace, his mercy and placing some awesome women in my life who have helped me become whole and confident in Christ.
...Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball.
Next time I'm p*****d I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies...
Lies! He's telling her it's lies and his actions show her that it's lies but yet she keeps going back. I know people make mistakes, God's love is full of grace and mercy and people can change yet some of these women go back knowing the men have not changed.
Rhianna sings a part in the song that says...
...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie...
Oddly enough women find comfort and security living with the pain and the hurt and that's why the continue to go back.
One of my friends has been going back and forth in a very unhealthy marriage that involves an affair, the husband not providing for his family, alcoholism and dealing with the drama of the pregnant girlfriend (from the affair) and even though she loves the Lord, has been through counseling and her and I meet on a regular basis she still wants to try and work it out. I asked her recently, "Why do you want to keep going back when there are no signs of change?" She said, "Because it wasn't suppose to end up like this and I want to do as much as I can to make it work because I made a commitment to God." This is where I lose the understanding. Not that I don't understand why she goes back or her honoring her commitment to God but I guess it's that I don't understand why she does not feel worthy enough and not feel she deserves better for herself? (which I've asked her but haven't gotten a clear answer yet) I'm all for doing everything, short of sin, to make a marriage work but the Bible says that if an affair happens you can say, "Adios." I believe if I was in that situation I would work on my forgiveness, which the Bible also says we must do, but I would do it from my new house with my new life because I want to live my life to it's full potential especially in my marriage, and abuse and/or affairs are not my idea of living to mine or God's full potential for my life. (Thank you Lord for my wonderful husband who loves You so much that you come first in his life and that I'm not in that situation)
I'm not writing this for any woman to feel condemnation for going back to an unhealthy or abusive relationship. I'm writing this because I want to understand why and I want other women to understand why. I was in a relationship, from age 17-21, that didn't start out with physical abuse but before the physical abuse started I took him back multiple times after he cheated. The day I was picked up by my head and thrown across the room by this guy the hard landing must have knocked some sense into me because God showed me my worth and that I deserved better and I left that relationship. I honestly I can't say that I remember why I went back all the times before except for the fact that I was young and had no godly examples in my life then. Thank God for his grace, his mercy and placing some awesome women in my life who have helped me become whole and confident in Christ.
If you are a woman reading this who has been in an unhealthy relationship or is in one currently I would love to hear from you. Because I minister to women on a regular basis I'm always wanting to learn how I can further help them rise up to become the women God has called them to be. Your story may help change someone else's life who stops by to read this or it could help me minister to other women who may never come across this blog, so please share your thoughts, stories and comments.
*** If you are in an emotional, mental or physically abusive relationship there is a way out. Especially if you are in a physically abusive relationship. I have added some links to resources for you to seek help. Also, feel free to leave comments or email me if you need help.
*** If you are in an emotional, mental or physically abusive relationship there is a way out. Especially if you are in a physically abusive relationship. I have added some links to resources for you to seek help. Also, feel free to leave comments or email me if you need help.
- Locally-http://faithhouseacadiana.com/
- Locally-Call 337-232-HELP (337-232-4357) or just dial 211 or you can visit http://www.irissoft.com/swle/ (click on Abuse, Adult located on the right of the page)
- Nationally -1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or visit http://www.ndvh.org/
It is my experience of being in several mentally abusive, alcoholic relationships, that I discovered why and learned how to grow from that.
ReplyDeleteWomen who lack the attention of their fathers growing up, grow up with much low self-esteem. The longing for a man to hold her, to hear the words, "I love you", to touch her are beyond what we could all understand. We fall into a trap of co-dependency. The nuture side of a woman wants to always take care of someone--this makes her feel happy, needed, wanted. She is attracted to men whom she feels worthy with. This is her normal self. She knows nothing else. Then the relationships start---alcoholism, abuse (whether mental or physical), adultery, etc.
She becomes so immerged in the fixing someone, she forgets who she is. She is trapped inside not realizing there is a healthy way of life for her. She hates what she's going through, what she hears (the name callings, the fights, etc), but she also has hope. Hope is what we all have. "Maybe if I do this", Maybe if I do that--he will change--he will love me. The constant battle that is inside us--Our friends see so much--yet we see nothing. We believe "things will change"
Until we know who we truly are as a womom, we stay trapped inside never truly becoming what God wants us to become. Sad situation for most. That word hope. Until we define it's true meaning and where it comes from--we live in the world we only feel where we belong.
God is hope, God is love, God is trust! After discovering the fact that I was co-dependent, insecure, no self-worthiness, (and much more) that I learned how to overcome each. The women in my life who offered me books to read, walked with me were amazing women! I had to first discover where all this co-dependency was coming from and really dig into the person (the inner child). Once that happened, I began to read books like "Co-dependency no More"....Learn how to set healthy boundaries in my life and most of all accept the true knowledge of who I was in Christ as a woman that no matter what I was, I was truly loved by a man "unconditionally"...What an awesome feeling!!
Most abused women want to hear the words I love you. Oh but love is an action word. How I struggled in my current relationship--I didn't hear those words for 3 years. But the beginning was tough for me. I didn't feel loved, I felt unworthy, so many things because the man I was with didn't simply tell me those words. I remember him asking me one day, how many times have your heard those words in the past? I said many. He then replied, "And where are they now?" ---WOW!!! What an impact! He was right! Where were they? I was left mentally abused, stalked, and so forth. Did I have more learning to do?? After almost 5 years of dating this man, (I know, we should be married by now) I truly learned the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words"---Oh what a phrase that was hard to learn, but learned a great deal from a wonderful man whom I thought I could never have in my life. I thought I wasn't worthy of someone who offered me great respect, kindness, gentleness, just because. That just doesn't happen. Not to me anyway. After 3 years of learning the actions from a man who truly loves me, I finally heard the words and for the first time in my life, believed them to be honorably true and genuine. God has taken me on many paths in life--I couldn't ask to be in a better place in my life.
My advice to those women are: Seek first the Kingdom of God and all things will come unto you. God is the only person that can help you truly change how you feel about yourself on the inside. There are many resources like Co-dependent no More by Melody Beedle (sp), Boundaries, Even Al-anon groups and books. And seek help from your local bible based church. There are women everywhere who have walked in your shoes. All inspiration comes from those who have walked in faith, love, and trust--