Friday, July 9, 2010

...The Lord Is Close To The Brokenhearted-3

The next two months were literally a blur. Spiritually I felt lost and disconnected from God. I wanted to drink or take a pill so that I would not exist anymore. Physically and mentally I was exhausted! Before my dad's death my memory was pretty sharp and now I couldn't even remember what I was suppose to do the next minute! I was having to admit that I was no longer "SuperCandy". I am not being over dramatic when I say I felt soulless. I don't even know if soulless is a word but I felt like my body was an empty shell that was functioning but I was not the one making it function. I later found out how it functioned. Hopefully, I will remember to write about that part as I continue.
My heart had been shattered to pieces and I didn't know how to fix it. I have resources to fix everyone and everything and for the first time in my life I didn't know how to fix this or how to find someone to fix this. The more I think about it I don't know what made me crazier, my daddy's death or the fact that I couldn't fix the way I felt. And to add to the shock James said (ever so lovingly and desperately), "I just wish I could help you but I don't know how and I feel so helpless". My sweet husband. I just don't know what I would have done without him. He took great care of me during that time. He still tells me that he would have never thought I would have taken my daddy's death so hard and during that season he was worried I would never get over the grief I felt. (Neither did I on both instances) He also says, he hopes he doesn't die before me because he doesn't think I could go through that again. Honestly there's a small part of me that hopes the same but I definitely have a different perspective towards death and grieving now.

Psalm 34:18-The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
I could barely pray and that was horrible! I love God with all my heart, I try my hardest each day to please Him, my life is ministry, I read my word and I couldn't fathom ever living my life without Him so why couldn't I pray?
Where was He? Why wasn't He close to me? Why couldn't I feel Him? Even after that horrible day I never doubted God or lost faith, I just couldn't feel Him. I still don't know the answer's to all of those questions but I do know one answer, He was close to me just like His word says, but because I had just went through this traumatic experience, physically I could not feel the connection with God but my spirit never disconnected with God. Which I was able to see as time went on. Even as I spoke those words to God that I wrote about in the previous blog, where I told Him I want to be purposeful during this time of grief, I still didn't feel him. I just cried out to Him because that was all I knew how to do.
Psalm 119:11- I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.
I'm not a Bible scholar, I'm far from knowing my word the way I should and more than likely I can't tell you the exact place to find a verse without looking it up in the Concordance but I did spent most of my school years memorizing Bible verses and as an adult walking with the Lord I love to read my word and love to memorize scripture especially when it pertains to a situation I'm in. So one thing I knew was that after many years of reading my Bible, His word was hidden in my heart and all I had to do was be obedient to it. I knew  Satan wanted me to keep my mouth closed and keep my feelings locked away but I refused to let him win. I confessed the things that I was feeling to my husband and to my pastor. I may not have felt like telling them but I was not going to let Satan take me down without a fight. I was to physically exhausted to fight but I could fight by confessing.
One of the many "crazy" thoughts I experienced was that I wanted to drink myself into oblivion or take a pill to end it all. Before I walked with the Lord I didn't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. Now don't get me wrong I liked to party it up pretty often in my teens and early twenties but I was not addicted to alcohol or drugs and once I gave my life to the Lord it was the easiest thing for me to turn away from and have no desire for. (with the exception of cigarettes which I have been tobacco free for six years now but that's a whole 'nother blog)
A couple of months before my daddy's death I had won this unique, beautifully designed bottle of Tequila while on a cruise and we kept it on our entertainment center as a decorative piece. Since James nor I had drank alcohol in six or seven years and didn't have an addiction to it we never thought twice about displaying it. I remember clearly the day I started looking at that bottle differently. I thought to myself, "I could open that bottle and guzzle that thing down and I would be out of it in no time"! I pondered that thought for about a day or so and finally brought the beautifully designed unopened bottle of Tequila to James and said, "I can't have it in here, I want to drink it".  Being the wise, protective husband he is, he didn't just throw it in the garbage, he opened it and poured it out onto the ground so it could no longer be a temptation to me. I had done it! I confessed my temptation! I fought the devil and had won! Well, at least this battle anyway...

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